01.12.16

I lost my sense of self, if I even had one to begin with, so I invested everything that I had into us. But now, the illusion of ‘us’ has been revealed to be a fantasy, a delusion created by somebody desperately clinging to the idea that they are a part of something special. Time and time again you show me that as soon as you are displeased you can easily up and leave, taking everything and leaving me with nothing but my tears and my self loathing mind. You ignore me, knowing that my anxiety will be bordering on the edge of me having a debilitating attack and then stroll back when you please, knowing that I love you so deeply that I would suffer a thousand more soul-crushing blows as long as I can call you mine. 

I used to be so quick to assist you, because I knew that it would be a contribution to our life together. Now that I have been shown the reality of this situation time and time again I am no longer contributing to our life, but to a life that will eventually be one that you will live with out me, because you have made me believe that it is just a matter of time until my worst fear becomes a reality, and you leave me never to return. 

I wish I could feel hope in our relationship prevailing, but you are so unapologetic that there surely will be no change in the way we co-exist. You want an unquestioning, submissive boyfriend who trusts your decisions but your actions show that you are not invested in my best interests or even that which benefits us as a partnership. You’re looking out for yourself and have no qualm in using me to better your position, even if in doing so you hurt me. Given that, how can I trust you implicitly? 

Despite all this, I am still madly in love with you. I am still in awe of the person you are, I still want to spend every second of my life with you and I still want to be your one and only. I will never stop striving to show you that I am your perfect match, but for some reason I feel that you are holding back, like you don’t want us to fit so you refuse to give me your all. I don’t know why and I hope that I am wrong. 

I truly love you, so much so that it has become a part of my identity, and I will do anything to make us the perfect unit we are capable of being. 

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